Ani Trueheart - Why I Need Feminism Right Now

Image Description: A photo of Ani and their sister Amber sitting on a couch together. They are toddlers. Ani has short, dark hair, wearing a white shirt. Amber has long, blonde hair, wearing a polka dot shirt. She is smiling as she has her arms wrapped around Ani.

Why I Need Feminism Right Now

May 12, 2020

As of late, I have been struggling emotionally, as so many of us are during this pandemic. I am struggling with how to stay connected, how to feel okay in my skin, and how to maintain a healthy mental state during this time of fear and uncertainty. And I am feeling pressure, especially where I work, to remain calm and act like everything is okay. This has been incredibly difficult as I continue to grapple with my mental health along with the unwanted social pressures of masculinity. But I ache to express myself in a genuine way that does not have to be restricted by gender. Even though we’re in a pandemic, I’m still here. I’m still trans. And I still want to feel connected to the world around me.

Recently, I started exploring the term demiguy as a self-identifier, which means to identify partially as a guy or a man. I like this term because it makes me feel like I am more than the social expectations of being a man and yet still feel connected to masculinity. Even though the images and expectations for men are changing and expanding to include queer people, it feels like as a whole, to many humans, the word “man” elicits cis and hetero-normative images of bodies, behaviors, characteristics, persona that have historically excluded trans people because of our birth sex. That is why using queer words to describe myself helps me to shape the reality I share with others. If I say I am a demi guy, I can express that I identify with masculinity yet do not have a completely manly personality. For me, the term elicits feelings of activeness, intensity, and eagerness that I identify with yet does not box me in or keep me from feeling soft, thoughtful, emotional, and creative. And the world has been slowly treating me like I am not a soft creature.

This is why I need feminism. Because I feel as if the social expectations for me as a masculine-presenting person are restrictive and toxic to my personhood. Just because I look masculine doesn’t mean I want to deny or push away my feelings of vulnerability and emotionality to maintain an image of having myself together all day. This is unhealthy. And is something I have been struggling not to internalize. Within the last 2 years that I have been read as a man, I have found that people have been treating me as if I don’t want to have genuine, connected conversation, as if I’m not feeling emotional or am supposed to communicate in some monotonous, rational tone as I engage socially. In the past, my social interactions felt more bubbly and open. But now, when people greet me, it feels short and to the point, rather than open, engaging and warm. I feel like I’m watching a movie of someone else’s life, or that I feel invisible in some way because I am still not used to being read as a man. I also am working through anxiety, depression, PTSD and thus I am a complex being inside. So there seems to be a communication error in my social reality, as the world is painting me as a machine-like thing that I am not due to my masculine appearance.

And further, this makes me feel like my social existence should constantly look like things we deem as butch, masculine, manly, rugged. But I don’t always feel like acting like that or talking in ways that fall into those categories. Don’t get me wrong: I do love getting into a gritty discussion about politics or Star Wars or maybe even talking about mechanics because they intrigue me, but these things are not just for men or masculine people. My internal world often looks like thinking about how people are feeling and how the world is working, creating music, idealizing social justice scenarios or imagining healing in the world. I am more dreamy and creative and thoughtful than stern, authoritative, poised, practical-whatever other things may come to mind when someone engages with me today.

So I need feminism to help me remember that softness is beautiful. That emotions are fuel. That intuition is invaluable. That sensuality is precious. So that I can be those things.

I need feminism because I need to the world to know bodies and personalities are diverse and complex.

I need feminism so the world can know that masculinity is not the pinnacle of human expression, that we need balance in our lives and in our social conditioning, that there is power in the feminine.

I, and we, need feminism so we can be feel empowered to teach masculine-identifying people that it is ok to be kind and generous and sensitive and that they don’t have to have all the answers, that they are not authority just because they are masculine, and that the world works off of more than masculinity. And that it is ok to be full. And real. And vulnerable.

I need feminism because my world feels cold and scary right now. And I don’t want my heart to feel suckered into feeling like I have to have things under control. Because it is okay to be feel the storm that is today.